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I’ve never really understood where Upstate New York begins and ends. Is there some sort of border or welcome sign I should be looking for? If there is, I missed it on the way up here. I’m sitting in a hotel room in Utica while my family is at church. I wanted to rest, and that is exactly what I am doing. I’m on the hotel bed, just thinking about things.
Everyone is worried about my brother. They think he is depressed, not finding his way, just a little off kilter. I agree, he is probably all of that and more. However, I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to worry about him, or try and find the solution to his unhappiness. As a brother, I want to be there to listen to him, rather than tell him what he’s doing wrong, and how he’s destined for a life filled with failure. Sometimes the people I love most just can’t seem to find a way to communicate, to love one another without judgement. He’s doing something amazing this weekend, and while he’s stressed and more than a little on edge, the focus shouldn’t be forgotten.
He put together a charity baseball game. When my mom died of Breast Cancer, he was absent, wasn’t in the house when she passed, really was afraid of everything that was happening. I think because of that isolation and disconnection from her in her last few months he has an incredible desire to do this kind of stuff. The event is called “At Bat Against Breast Cancer.” It’s pretty impressive, he’s solicited donations from the Utica community (I’m not sure how big the community is here), our family and friends, and different corporations. He’s doing this both in memory and honor of our mom, but also to benefit a local family affected by breast cancer. My brother is amazing, when he sets his mind to something, however he has to, he gets it done.
Everything starts in about two hours. My hope is that he finds whatever it is he is looking for in putting this together. I feel for him this time in his life is not so much destination oriented as he is enjoying his journey. It’s been a long journey for a 21 year old. But with my brother, you wouldn’t expect anything uncomplicated.
I love and admire him, and whether he believes it or not, I see a lot of our mom in him. She is incredibly proud of him.
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I met this person.
How many times have you heard a conversation that began like that, innocent enough, but at same time, loaded with potential meaning.
This person and I met at a bar. He was wearing a Milwaukee Brewers Tee Shirt. Being that this is Pennsylvania, not too many people wear Milwaukee Brewers Tee Shirts. Being that I am from Wisconsin, I felt the need to bring up the fact that he was wearing a shirt possibly purchased in my home state.
We talked for the rest of night, I rudely ignored all my other friends and just had a really good conversation with this guy. I was walking him home, and I don’t think either of us really wanted to call it a night. So we walked back to my house.
I had spent the night hosting a charity event, and I had put down a few drinks. He says he didn’t have a lot to drink and I have no reason not to believe him. We played some Wii, talked some more. I showed him some personal artifacts, not for the sheer sake of just showing off what I have, because I wanted him to see some of the components that have made me who I am.
It’s like I knew that there’s a good chance we’d never meet up again, and maybe if we just had a few moments where we could meet I to I, we’d have a connection that could be more than a zygote.
He talked fast, real fast. His words were like matchbox cars, he said each of them in a zippish twist. I had to catch them all. He ’s passionate. You can tell he thinks about things, deeply, and looks for other people who share his same passion. Not necessarily for the same things, just for something.
He lives four hours away from me. I live four hours away from him. We’ll see what happens.
Sometimes you’ll write when you need to write. I did that after we broke up, but now I feel more like myself. As a result, I’ve written less.
It’s been three months since we broke up, which means if we were still together we’d have been together for ten months, and had been talking for more than a year. Obviously those milestones are imaginary pebbles now. After we broke up, I wanted us to be friends right away. I knew the relationship wasn’t working, but I really, deep down in my heart felt that a friendship was the way to go. Caring for him wasn’t the issue, it was loving him the way he loved me that just didn’t line up. I think he wanted me to take care of all the stuff that hadn’t happened for him yet. Be that finding a good job, moving away from home, among other things.
Just recently we have begun to talk. It is pretty casual. Nothing too serious, just two people who know a lot about each other not necessarily making that fact crystal clear. It’s like we are learning to be friends, and re-getting to know each other in that vein. I’ll always love him, but like I said before, it’s not the love that will define my life and heart.
Still, I am really glad we have found a way to communicate. Whether we want to admit it or not, for a long time we’ll still have a prime seat in the back of each others’ mind.
