I’m in a awkward place right now. Lamenting the end of a relationship I know had to come to a close. For three months I was battling with myself about whether this relationship had a future, but I finally realized that the things I wanted just weren’t happening. Still, today I am sad. Missing him, missing us. Realizing what I thought was just an enormous amount of potential fell flat because of problems neither one of us could find suitable solutions to before the end.
This was my first love, a man I’d shared more with than anyone ever before. Yet I knew in January it just wasn’t going to work, yet I tried to stay in it, finding a way everyday to justify being unhappy in love. The problems were numerous, but so were the things I loved about the relationship. Maybe relationships need an obituary. A place where you can just write about all the things you’ll miss about the relationship, and convienently forget about all the things that led to the break up. Sadly, I doubt the local paper would let that in without a fight.
I’ll be sad for a while. And maybe that’s exactly what I need.
So I’ve decided ever since I ended my relationship I need to find some new friends. And fast. I don’t mind being alone in the least, but I don’t want to always be alone.
It’s amazing that when you’re in a relationship you can feel so totally and utterly wrapped in it that once it’s over, you feel like whole parts of your life need to catch up with you. I have no friends where I live, the friends I left back in Colorado are slowly coming back into the focus that they need to be. So where have I turned to find these elusive new friends? The computer on which I am currently writing this journal.
At first I had a lot of trepidation about finding friends online, and maybe even more than friends, but that is a whole ‘nutha issue entirely. I felt like it was an easy cop out and wondered if I was really putting the effort I should into finding lasting friends. Then I remembered that I am busy, this is a college town, and I don’t really want friends who are in college. I’ve moved on to adulter people. So yeah, to find friends who aren’t getting a degree would be a stretch. Reason enough to start/keep using the net.
The I thought about the whole gay thing, and how hard it is to find gay guys I don’t want to kill the minute I meet them. So got to get working on that, and that can be task. Finding gay guys who love sports, went through puberty, and are down to earth. They’re out there though. The internet seemed like an ok place to weed out the weirdos. Another point for the world wide web.
Plus on the internet you can remain anoynmous and that’s something I’d like to do, until I really get a good feel for these guys. Obvious reasons.
John Mayer, you may remember him, the emotional singer songwriter that played on that soft rock station your mom used have as #1 on the pre sets in her Dodge Caravan. Yes that John released a song a while back called “Waiting on the World to Change.” The song is Mayer’s observation that his generation is waiting on the world to change . . . and it is the biggest piece of crap.
I’ll admit the melody is pretty catchy, and the chorus has a good flow. But the big issue I have is with Mayer’s assertion that we (I am in his generation) are standing on the sidelines waiting for the world to change. That’s absurd John. People who wait stay on the sidelines. I see more people than you’ve had albums sold hoping and believing that they will find a way to change the world, not merely wait for the world to change.
Get over yourself pretty boy and get a clue.
I rented the movie Juno last night, I don’t know about you, but I really love that movie. I have a strange habit where I read the reviews to a movie after I have seen the film. I want to see if my thoughts and opinions line up with the “experts.”
Juno is great for so many reasons. I feel like she is a complete character, actually I feel like every character in the film is well developed and meaningful, which is odd because its title implies the whole movie would exclusively focus on one person – Juno. I think my favorite character in the movie is Juno’s step mom Bren, the nail technician. Bren seems to have a little abrasiveness to her, but a great heart, and the way she sticks her neck out for Juno, it’s pretty touching. Also Juno is the kind of movie that selfishly loves itself, there is the cheeky vocabulary and kitchsy set decorations. It is definetley its own world and you wonder, or at least I did, if you’re in on every joke.
Now let’s talk about sports.
The NFL released it’s schedule yesterday and my team got ripped off. The way the NFL works, every team knows who they’ll play the next season as soon as the previous regular season ends. My team, the Indianapolis Colts, have this four week stretch that would kill mortal teams. In my eyes, they can do no wrong.
| 10/19 | @ Green Bay Packers | 4:15 PM | CBS | |
| 10/28 | @ Tennessee Titans | 8:30 PM | ESPN | |
| 11/4 | NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS | 8:15 PM | NBC | |
| 11/11 | @ Pittsburgh Steelers | 4:15 PM | CBS |
Sometimes it kills me that I don’t have the money to afford DirecTV’s Sunday NFL Ticket package, that enables you to see every game on TV any given Sunday.
I am gay, so it always makes for an interesting conversation when I chat up my guy friends about sports and know exponentially more than they do. That’s opinion, not fact. I’m sure it’s a little insulting for them, and a lot rewarding for me.
And I feel the homophobia, or homophobic behaviors are more connected to sexism than anything else. Liking men is more important than being a man. That’s where the problem lies. I live in a college town, and sometimes it is pretty frustrating to have graduated and feel like I’m still changing minds. Maybe some guys just feel like if you’re not on steroids, going to the gym every half hour, eating pizza and getting drunk and having sex with some girl you met on your brother’s facebook page, then you’re not a real man.
Things on the relationship front are getting a little better, maybe everything isn’t as sealed shut as I originally thought. That’s a good thing.
I am taking a break with the person I am no longer in a relationship with. It’s strange, I thought it would be really easy to just make a clean break, but that’s not proving to be the case.
Even if in my mind I know a break is the way to go, there are strange emotional strings that I didn’t know were tied around this other person. And while I’m not emotional in the sense of tears, panting, and holding on- I am emotional in the sense that I’ll sign when I think of certain things, I’ll avoid certain places so I don’t feel a quick beat of my heart. Sometimes though people only think you’re hurting when you tell them or show them, they can’t just understand that someone might not need to bear down and break down in order to be down.
This person is a good soul, a person who has so much life, but this relationship quickly developed into more than I was thinking of when I got into it. Living together, health problems, family issues. I guess when you get out of college, you get out of college relationships. I get that. Now.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I am the oldest child. I have one younger brother. If my brother and I could combine the best aspects of who we are into one person, well, we’d be the perfect person. Maybe not perfect in the eyes of a normal person, but perfect in the eyes of my dad.
Things about me that my dad probably thinks is awesome.
-Financially, I am very secure . . . and always have been. (I don’t know why I felt the need to put money first, but I did)
- I grew up. I wasn’t sure how mature I was going to be, but when I got there, it was where I was supposed to be.
- I was a house devil, street angel.
Things Dad might be able to do without.
- Ever since my mom died, I cannot deny I have pretty much looked at him as the financial means to my being. I love him very much, but it is obvious I am not, and will never be, the center of his universe.
- I am gay. Maybe that is the reaction to the last question. Maybe I always needed to find a man who I could be the center of his universe. Although that goes beyond my stern belief that being gay is biological, but whatever. I’ll believe they can both co-exist.
- I am expensive. I have had two major diseases, been in three car accidents, and went to college 2,000 miles away from home. I paid for not one of those expenses. Maybe I should have, but I didn’t.
Talking a lot about my dad because I just saw him, and felt everyone of the things I just described. Good and bad, but never inbetween. I am the center of my own universe, and the world is spinning. Trying to get back to what got back to me. My family.
Filed under: Preface
Golden Girls is on in the background. It’s a pretty timeless show, I mean the relationships between the characters are what I believe really holds the show together. That being said, there are times when the show isn’t familiar to me, that’s because those ladies are in the forth quarter. They’ve lived through life’s first three quarters, childhood, getting it all together, parenthood, now these ladies are just sitting around a table drinking coffee waiting for it to be over. Blunt, I know. But essentially we’re all going along the same path, just how exactly we travel it is what will separate us. (By all of us, I am making a huge assumption that the majority of people reading this are healthy individuals living in developed counties)
I want to make sure my second quarter, my chance to get my life together, is what cements my happiness. The first quarter I fell behind a bit, but I wasn’t playing my best. (Sorry about the sports analogies, they are going to come often and always) When you finally figure out what you need to do to live the life you want, you find a way to make it happen. Documenting all of this is going to be hard, but exciting at the same time. Even if no one is out there, I am here. That feels good to say.
Filed under: Uncategorized
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